


Sir Gwaine's Amazing Quest

by Aminte



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur is so done, Attempt at Humor, Friendship, Gen, Grand Theft Horse, Gwaine Being Gwaine (Merlin), Gwaine Flirts (Merlin), I'm Bad At Summaries, Lancelot Being Chaotic, Magical Shenanigans, Merlin is a Little Shit, Swearing, The knights have one collective braincell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28277649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aminte/pseuds/Aminte
Summary: Gwaine goes on a quest to find a legendary item.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	Sir Gwaine's Amazing Quest

** Sir Gwaine’s Amazing Quest **

****

“Are you sure about this?” asked Merlin while he walked with his friend towards the throne room

“Absolutely! Why wouldn’t I be?” grinned Gwaine, his red cape swishing behind him

“Somehow I don’t see Arthur agreeing”

“Not like the Princess could stop me anyways” winked the roguish knight

Merlin shook his head, a fond (if a tad exasperated) smile appearing on his face.

They arrived just in time to see a gaggle of courtiers leaving the throne room, all chattering and gossiping. Merlin wrinkled his nose at them and Gwaine rolled his eyes. As soon as the courtiers were out of sight, they started imitating them, high-pitched voices accompanying their jokes.

“Are you done mocking them?” asked the tired voice of their King, who was rubbing his temples as he stared at a thick stack of papers

“For the time being, maybe”

“What are you two doing here?”

“Ah, I was going to tell you that the tanners’ guild is going to arrive a bit late, so you have time to take a bath before meeting them” said Merlin with a wide smile

“Are you implying something?”

“Oh, no, sire, wouldn’t think of it”

Merlin was definitely implying something, probably along the lines of Arthur’s hygiene or lack thereof but before the king could start another of their (in)famous banters, Gwaine took a step forward.

“I have a request to make” said Gwaine, giving Merlin another wink “if you had the time to listen”

Merlin shook his head again and left, promising to come fetch Arthur in half an hour.

The blonde glanced at the stack of papers and then at the mischievous expression on his knight’s face.

Choosing what he thought the lesser evil, he told Gwaine to make his request.

* * *

“So, you’re telling me there _is_ something like a magical cheese that tastes like apple pie?” asked Elyan before biting his own cheese

“Yes, my friend, it is true” nodded Gwaine, gravely

“And Arthur gave you leave to look for it?” repeated Lancelot, raising his eyebrows

“Why, yes, Sir Lancelot, he did”

“You’re joking” snorted Elyan

“You’re jealous that _I_ ’ _m_ going on a quest and you lot have to stay here doing drills”

“How did you manage to convince him anyways?!”

“Bet he just let you go to get rid of you”

“Shut up, non-believers! The Princess let me go because his royal ass got worried about the very spoopy magic cheese and I, as the noble knight I am, offered to retrieve it”

“How do you even know it exists?” asked Leon, tilting his head

He resembled a golden retriever but Gwaine didn’t want to tell him so, in case the dignified Sir Leon fell into one of his Long-Sufferings and they had to spend the rest of their dinner listening to him complain about being called a dog (being called a dog was way better than being called a gullible child, which was what Elyan had called him after the whole _poetry_ debacle).

“Merlin told me! Said he found it in one of Gaius’ books” Gwaine announced proudly.

Lancelot for some reason choked on his mead and wouldn’t stop coughing. That his coughing seemed to resemble laughter was something that Gwaine chose to ignore.

* * *

“Remember, the cheese only appears to those who are deemed worthy by the Cheese Guardian” said Merlin as he helped Gwaine to load the saddlebags.

“Oh, I’m definitely worthy! This has been my destiny since I dreamt of that cheese. I knew it had to be real”

“I’m sure that if there’s anyone who can find it, it’s you” grinned the servant before hugging his friend “Good luck!”

Gwaine waved goodbye before spurring his horse to a gallop and leaving the courtyard, red cape and luscious locks flying.

* * *

“A magical cheese? Seriously?” said Lancelot, shaking his head at Merlin.

But while the movement of his head said “you’re being a bad Merlin again” the mirth dancing in his expressive brown eyes said “you’re a fucking genius, this is going to be awesome!”

“Oh, shut up, Lance. I couldn’t think of anything else. Besides, he was getting antsy inside the citadel, he needed to get out”

“Where did you even send him to?”

“Ah…well…”

* * *

The first stop in Sir Gwaine’s Amazing Quest for the Magical Cheese was, rather obviously, the last tavern before entering Essetir. According to Merlin, there he would find an acolyte of the Order of the Cheese, who could possibly, maybe, be persuaded to give him a lead to where the cheese was being kept.

Three (actually six, but who was counting, right?) tankards of ale and one drunken brawl after, there still wasn’t any sign of the mysterious acolyte. Gwaine was about to call it a day and glamorously pass out when he caught sight of a suspicious man, cladded in a brown cloak that covered most of his face.

Could he be the acolyte?

Taking his chances, he forced himself to stumble towards the man who seemed alarmed to have him sit beside him. Before he could flee, Gwaine casually put his arm around his shoulder, giving it a little caress.

“Good evening” said Gwaine, flipping his hair and asking for another round of ale

“Ah, good evening?” repeated the other man squirming in his grasp

“What brings you to this fine establishment?” he asked, giving him his signature grin

The other man gave him a once over, and then, obviously captivated by his admittedly good looks, lowered his hood revealing dirty blonde curls and brown eyes that roamed his body in appreciation.

“Just passing by, you know. Wondering if I could find someone _worthy_ ”

The word resonated with Gwaine and then he was sure that he had found the Cheese Acolyte that Merlin had mentioned.

“Oh, I’m definitely worthy” purred the knight, tucking a stray curl behind the stranger’s ear “You should let me show you how much”

Their drinks arrived and they made light conversation, if by conversation you mean making out and by light you mean not child friendly.

They went up to the second floor that served as an inn and proceeded to get better acquainted.

The man, Bisichurger (as he told Gwaine before engaging in acts better left undescribed) wasn’t in fact an acolyte of anything, just your regular medieval thief hoping to get some easy coins pickpocketing drunkards. He didn’t know anything about magic or cheese, and definitely nothing about those two combined, but Gwaine had been charming and his faith on the applepie cheese had touched the thief’s heart.

So, he told him he could find the Cheese Guardian if he went to Mercia.

Then knocked him out with a jug.

* * *

When Gwaine finally came down to get some breakfast he realized two things.

The first one was that his hair really shone with the early morning light.

The second was that he was without a horse.

It didn't take a genius to realize that Bisichurger had taken his horse.

And now, Gwaine was without a ride.

He could’ve bought another one, since he was carrying enough gold. But knowing that there were at least fifteen taverns between Essetir and Mercia, he couldn’t waste it on something that he could get…by other means.

He walked back to the tavern and then snuck towards the stables.

There he found a burly man brushing a beautiful dark horse.

Gwaine could do it the simple way and knock the poor stablehand out.

Or, he could do it _Gwaine Style._

* * *

“What if Gwaine was right and there _is_ something like a magical cheese?” asked Percival in the middle of their knitting session

“Not you too Percy” facepalmed Elyan

“No, no, let’s listen to him” said Lancelot, an uncharacteristically wicked grin curling his lips

“You can’t be serious” pouted Leon, in a most dignified manner as he continued knitting

“I don’t think Merlin would lie to Gwaine, right? I mean, it’s Merlin. So, if Merlin isn’t lying there might be a cheese like that. And if it exists, then Gwaine is on an actual quest and we’re sitting here wasting time”

“Hey! The Ugly Jumper Festival is a longstanding tradition here in Camelot” sniffed Leon “And as knights of the realm we are expected to succeed in this just like we do in anything else”

“Leon, your stitching is shit and it has been shit since I know you” snorted Elyan lifting the perfect monstrosity that was his own jumper, already halfway finished “this is what an actual jumper looks like”

“Oh did you use a seed stitch?” asked Lance, eyes sparkling

Leon made a face of disgust, tongue sticking out and threw his yarn at Lance’s head.

“You know what? We should follow Gwaine. If our fellow knight has gone on a quest it’s our duty as his brothers in arms to make sure he’s alright”

“But I haven’t finished my jumper yet!” complained Elyan before being dragged by Percival

* * *

After more or less distracting the stablehand with his alluring dancing, he ran to one of the horses, got in the saddle in one jump and cut the rope that kept it there with his sword.

The stablehand and then the owner of the horse shouted at him and he rode faster, being properly chased by some guards.

The wind blowed, his hair flowed magnificently and he was being persecuted by no less than five angry men swearing and pointing at him with their crossbows.

All in all, a gray way to start his day.

"To Mercia!"

* * *

After a series of exciting adventures, including fighting a gnome and playing strip-poker with a bunch of gypsies on their way to Nemeth's market, Gwaine found himself in the heart of Mercia.

Deciding that there was nowhere better to get information than the tavern, he made his way to the Blue Eyed Maiden, one of his favourite spots this side of Albion.

He took a seat near the window and settled with a good jug of wine and some food, ready to begin his intel gathering.

It was then, that the door opened revealing four figures dressed in the full regalia of the Knights of Camelot.

"Gwaine!" yelled Elyan, grabbing his neck and throttling him

* * *

Before leaving, Merlin had given him a stick infused with his magic ("it's like a magical girl's wand, Merls" "No it's not!") telling him to use it wisely and only if he found himself in trouble.

Lancelot may or may have not chosen to ignore his friend's instructions.

It wasn't his fault that Elyan's hair looked way better green than black. Or that Percival needed to update his wardrobe to crop tops.

It certainly it wasn't his fault that Leon couldn't read maps in greek. 

It might've been his fault that they lost their way halfway into Essetir and ended up in a seedy tavern only to catch a blonde man in a brown cloak trying to steal from the matron.

Finding Gwaine had been (un)surprisingly easy once they found Bisichurger. 

The man had been all too willing to share tales of the handsome knight and their time together, much to the collective horror of his comrades who hadn’t wished to know the way Gwaine’s nipples glistened in candlelight or how he could bend.

Lancelot may or may have not choked again.

After being mentally scarred they made their way to Mercia, deciding to stop at the nearest tavern.

* * *

"So, what is our plan?" asked Percival, once Elyan decided that killing Gwaine was more trouble than it was worth

"Well, Merlin said that the Guardian of the Cheese would be guarding the cheese"

"Oh wow, who would've thought" deadpanned Leon

"But how do we find this Guardian?" huffed Elyan "Do you even know who or what we're looking for?"

"The Guardian wears a shiny cloak with a cheese embroidered in gold. You know you're near him because he smells like milk" said Lancelot, much to the surprise of his mates "What? I asked Merlin"

"Then it's settled, let's find this man and retrieve the magical cheese for the glory of Camelot!"

* * *

That night, Lancelot used the remaining magic of the wand to contact the lovely warlock back in the castle. 

"Merlin, my bestestest friend in the whole world, I need to ask you a favour"

"Lancelot, what did you do"

"Do you have any shiny cloaks...?"

* * *

The knights were making their way through town, regularly stopping to sign some autographs for their fans when Gwaine pointed to a mysterious man in a notoriously shiny cloak with a golden cheese embroidered on the back. 

"There he is!" he enthused before running after him

The rest of the knights followed and soon they were chasing the shiny cloaked figure through the market.

They ran and ran without catching him, until they were out of town and back in the woods.

Then, the figure stopped and turned to them

* * *

"Ah if it isn't the strong Sir Gwaine and the rest of the noble knights of Camelot" said the Guardian of the Cheese "Who amongst you is worthy of my cheese, I wonder?"

"I am!" said Gwaine, taking a step forward "I once dreamed of your cheese and since then, I have waited every day to make that dream come true. I swear to you, Oh Great Cheese Guardian, that I am worthy. I have trained myself just for this occasion"

"Is that so? If you believe yourself to be pure of heart and brave enough, I will test you. If you succeed and prove yourself worthy, I will give you the magical cheese you desire. But if you fail, every apple pie you eat will taste like rotten blue cheese!"

The knights gasped in unison, for there was no fate more fearsome than that.

Gwaine seemed intimidated but insisted that he was ready. Percival tried to stop him with tears in his eyes but the other knight wasn't moved and agreed to submit himself to the test.

To everyone's surprise, the Cheese Guardian made a basket appear from thin air. 

In the basket there were different types of cheese.

"Your test will be to recognize each one of these cheeses and name them correctly" declared the Cheese Guardian

"I can do it!"

The knights stared in trepidation as Gwaine took a bite of the first cheese and named it correctly as edam. He took a bite of the next one and declared it was parmiggiano.

Cheese after cheese he named them correctly until he faced the last one.

He bit it once. And then twice.

Elyan was eating his nails.

"Do you recognize it, Sir Gwaine?" asked the Cheese Guardian, tapping his foot

"It's Camelot goat cheese" answered the roguish knight with a wide grin "Nothing tastes like it"

The Guardian nodded in satisfaction and then produced a big wheel of cheese from somewhere in his cloak.

"You have passed the test and proved yourself worthy. Now, enjoy your prize!"

With that said, the Guardian disappeared, leaving only his shiny cloak behind. 

The knights looked between themselves and then to Gwaine who was struggling to hold the cheese in his arms.

"Well, shall we try it?" he asked to his comrades

* * *

“Fuck me but it _does_ taste like apple pie!” yelled Elyan taking another bite

“It tastes like my mum’s” cried Percival looking at his own portion like it was the most divine thing he had ever beheld

“I told you lot that it was real!” huffed Gwaine before cutting another piece for himself

“We’ll never doubt you again” promised Leon nibbling the cheese he had in his hand

“This is…actually good?” mumbled Lancelot, still looking at the cheese with a confused frown before shrugging and eating the rest of his portion

They kept eating until they had enough and decided to go back to share their treasure, much to Gwaine’s dismay.

* * *

Somewhere back in Camelot, Merlin laughed as he stared at his friends through his scrying bowl.

* * *

And so, Sir Gwaine and the rest of the knights, rode back to Camelot, proudly carrying an enormous wheel of cheese that was missing a good chunk.

Arthur might've cried when presented with it, but that's a tale for another time.


End file.
